NOTE: Because this email I received today is so profound and mighty and Universal, I’m posting it and my answer here, while protecting the writer’s identity. I believe many readers will find the discussion helpful. ---Bethany
Hey, Bethany!
Hey, Bethany!
I am sure you’re surprised to hear from me again so soon! I am actually surprised I am writing again but I feel there are a few things I need to move past or simple accept and my own self-counsel just does not seem to be enough. For the last month or so I have been asking myself, “Why am I doing things I am doing?” For instance, I am working in XXX (although it’s not permanent yet) and I am taking courses in XXX! But all I really want to do is study Ayurveda and help people spiritually through yoga-Ayurveda. To be honest, I feel I am only engaging myself in my current work and study to be blunt because I do not have the means to do what my heart really wants. This makes me feel like I am not being honest with myself and not living fully in the present. Then there another part of me that says well this must be my Karma and God's Will and I just need to accept it all and witness. Lately, I just keep-on accepting....and the words "It’s always the mind" come-back to me. Here's a light question for you, "Do you think it’s always the mind?" I send peace...love...&...silence I hope one day all is silent....for now thanks for hearing me!
Love You,
Love You,
XXX
Dear Ms. XXX!
Please promise me you will never regret or apologize for contacting me. I welcome your thoughtful, earnest messages. If I am busy, answers will take longer. Let me decide how to handle what you write, you need not screen yourself, not at all. All questions are legit and awaited.
Congrats, first of all, on becoming aware of this split or division between what your heart desires and what you find yourself doing. MANY people are oblivious to this common pattern, and don't see it as clearly as you do, ever. Being able to recognize the distinction, at an early age, is grand, and the most important step to outgrowing the habit.
There are lots of answers that may apply, as the question is a universal one. I will list the dozen common answers I have observed in the lives of others and myself, and you reflect on what might fit you, remembering you could easily be answer 13. Never substitute anything I suggest for your own judgment (as Dr. Phil is forever advising!):
1-parents modeled this behavior of doing what they didn't want to do and either enjoying it or not enjoying it. Unconsciously remembering your parents slogging off to a job they hated, while fantasizing about something else, has a mighty influence on shaping us. Living with such role models, children are unable to create a plan to bring themselves from dream to reality. They don’t know how to manifest a thought into an action, a deed. They just don’t know how to connect the dots and get there.
2-cultural (ethnic or religious) teachings that promote, “doing what you don't want to do is noble, honorable, a sign of a good person who denies herself.”
3-a similar pattern existed in childhood, where the child lived as one personality in the home and another in the school. So, perhaps at school she is determined and head strong and willful and unique, while at home she is dependent, repressed, controlled, reserved. (Or the opposite in each place) There is a variation on this, where women and men are mature and competent at work, and immature, co-dependent messes in their relationships. Whatever the twist, the point is one isn’t living authentically.
4-childhood was marked by a spoken or unspoken teaching about denial and delayed gratification and "eat your spinach and then you can have your dessert" mentality. This mindset always regards happiness as a feature of the future, something that has to be earned in the present, and then can be enjoyed as a reward only. (Some actually wait till retirement to begin living!) Happiness is not a way of life, but only an occasional payoff in this model. The antidote to that is to repeat this phrase, "Happiness is not a destination, but a means of transportation."
This way of life can be very crippling. It shows up in many arenas beyond work. People put off living in the apartment they want, taking the vacation they would love, even buying the foods they want… not ever buying blueberries because they are just too expensive.
5-some would say this is all karmic/hereditary/family baggage. That we are playing out the consequences of our ancestors’ errors, mistakes, folly, crimes, grief, loss, tragedy. Closely related is the idea that you are paying off a karmic debt of your own, acquired in a past life. Thought here is that you just gotta clean up your old mess before you have opportunity for new choices.
6-You don’t take yourself seriously. You are your greatest critic, rarely giving yourself credit or encouragement. “Are you kidding me? You are not that good!” thinking. We feel we aren’t deserving of a life that suits us, that we aren’t worthy yet, that something magical will have to happen first, like a degree or marriage. “I have to be 30 years old and have xyz in the bank,” that kind of thinking.
7-fear of success of failure, which might sound odd to see these two extremes grouped together, but they are really quite similar. Either way, you aren’t ready to take the risk of declaring who you are and going for it. What if you succeed…will it require lots of work and responsibility? What if you fail…who will judge you, who will make you feel defensive?
8-Immature dream or fantasy that isn’t real and it will never be achieved. It isn’t the heart’s desire, it is just an attractive and comforting story you like to tell yourself and others, but you have no real intention of doing the work and sacrifice required. You aren’t serious. This is true especially for people who want to succeed in the performing arts but won’t practice their gifts, like do their hours of practice on the piano every day or in the gym. One who is “run” by this scenario just likes to drag out this dream or personal goal to impress others, but in truth, she has no intention of taking the steps to accomplish it.
9-living someone else’s dream or fantasy, to please them or because you are afraid to speak up and declare your own life. This afflicts people’s sexual identity as well, where a gay woman will feign heterosexuality to please her parents, while sneaking around in lesbian relationships. Or kids that are working hard to be golfers, because their fathers wanted to be golfers but weren’t good enough. There is a giant fear associated with this way of life. Practitioners of the “live someone else’s life” racket are terrified of claiming their own lives. I met with a woman recently who was close to suicide, because she is so unhappy following a guru her father asked her to embrace. “They say if I quit, my next life will be very bad, as I need to study with him to erase my ego.” I suggested to her that staying with the guru only guaranteed that This Present Life Will Be Very Bad. No wonder she wants to take her life, it isn’t hers! She wants out. Of course, the wiser decision would be to get honest, tell the guru and her dad that the teaching isn’t working and that she has chosen another path. Such a position requires internal strength, and depending on the level of codependency between the parties, such personal power may never be summoned.
10-Because you lack a model of someone real who actually is doing what you want to do, so it seems like a fairy tale, intangible, unattainable, unrealistic. Let’s pretend you want to design clothes for inanimate objects (like skirts for vacuum cleaners or smocks for washing machine) but since you’ve never met a designer, you never act on your wish. It doesn’t have any “street cred” as people would say. Related to this lack of a model, there may also be a problem of a lack of an obvious path or approach, a way to accomplish the goal. You don’t see Ayurvedic massage studios on every corner in your city, so you give up looking. You haven’t actually met anyone who is earning a living and making a life in the precise way you want to. This is a common problem for young people, as they want an easier path, to be able to copy or mimic someone else’s journey (i.e., get this degree; apply at this company, and voila! Your dream is realized.) Connected to this reason is a deep worry about whether doing what one loves will pay enough or if the work will even exist. This is just the mind playing “what if” games, which have limited value.
11-You settle for some version of the golden handcuffs. You just say, “Well, lots of people don’t get what they want. And I do get health insurance and paid vacations, it could be worse.” I also refer to this way of being as Playing the Game in the Cage. You know it well; you may even have mastered it. This way is not a challenge; you may even be a Top Dog in daily practice, so you choose this sense of domination or fame over your true love. In other words, you choose to Look Good rather than Feel Good. You stay with XXX instead of go toward Ayurveda.
Related to this may be a sense that what you want will not carry the status you or your family require. There may be less public acceptance or fewer benefits, so fear of looking odd keeps you from moving forward.
This passive giving up on one’s self also shows up when people settle in a relationship, staying with someone they aren’t really drawn or committed to, but opting for convenience, i.e., “well, she has a house and I need a place to stay.”
12-you want to punish people who are hoping you will live your dreams. You want to hurt them, some kind of payback for what you consider was earlier nonsupport, negligence, abuse. Bright kids with overly pushy parents do this, sacrificing their own lives to not give their parents the satisfaction of seeing a successful child/adult. This choice can be really a secret, even to the person who is following it. Such people rarely know they are living in a way to hurt someone. They do it blindly.
Your belief that, “I do not have the means to do what my heart really wants,” is connected to the Golden Handcuffs, and truly a story you made up!
Please promise me you will never regret or apologize for contacting me. I welcome your thoughtful, earnest messages. If I am busy, answers will take longer. Let me decide how to handle what you write, you need not screen yourself, not at all. All questions are legit and awaited.
Congrats, first of all, on becoming aware of this split or division between what your heart desires and what you find yourself doing. MANY people are oblivious to this common pattern, and don't see it as clearly as you do, ever. Being able to recognize the distinction, at an early age, is grand, and the most important step to outgrowing the habit.
There are lots of answers that may apply, as the question is a universal one. I will list the dozen common answers I have observed in the lives of others and myself, and you reflect on what might fit you, remembering you could easily be answer 13. Never substitute anything I suggest for your own judgment (as Dr. Phil is forever advising!):
1-parents modeled this behavior of doing what they didn't want to do and either enjoying it or not enjoying it. Unconsciously remembering your parents slogging off to a job they hated, while fantasizing about something else, has a mighty influence on shaping us. Living with such role models, children are unable to create a plan to bring themselves from dream to reality. They don’t know how to manifest a thought into an action, a deed. They just don’t know how to connect the dots and get there.
2-cultural (ethnic or religious) teachings that promote, “doing what you don't want to do is noble, honorable, a sign of a good person who denies herself.”
3-a similar pattern existed in childhood, where the child lived as one personality in the home and another in the school. So, perhaps at school she is determined and head strong and willful and unique, while at home she is dependent, repressed, controlled, reserved. (Or the opposite in each place) There is a variation on this, where women and men are mature and competent at work, and immature, co-dependent messes in their relationships. Whatever the twist, the point is one isn’t living authentically.
4-childhood was marked by a spoken or unspoken teaching about denial and delayed gratification and "eat your spinach and then you can have your dessert" mentality. This mindset always regards happiness as a feature of the future, something that has to be earned in the present, and then can be enjoyed as a reward only. (Some actually wait till retirement to begin living!) Happiness is not a way of life, but only an occasional payoff in this model. The antidote to that is to repeat this phrase, "Happiness is not a destination, but a means of transportation."
This way of life can be very crippling. It shows up in many arenas beyond work. People put off living in the apartment they want, taking the vacation they would love, even buying the foods they want… not ever buying blueberries because they are just too expensive.
5-some would say this is all karmic/hereditary/family baggage. That we are playing out the consequences of our ancestors’ errors, mistakes, folly, crimes, grief, loss, tragedy. Closely related is the idea that you are paying off a karmic debt of your own, acquired in a past life. Thought here is that you just gotta clean up your old mess before you have opportunity for new choices.
6-You don’t take yourself seriously. You are your greatest critic, rarely giving yourself credit or encouragement. “Are you kidding me? You are not that good!” thinking. We feel we aren’t deserving of a life that suits us, that we aren’t worthy yet, that something magical will have to happen first, like a degree or marriage. “I have to be 30 years old and have xyz in the bank,” that kind of thinking.
7-fear of success of failure, which might sound odd to see these two extremes grouped together, but they are really quite similar. Either way, you aren’t ready to take the risk of declaring who you are and going for it. What if you succeed…will it require lots of work and responsibility? What if you fail…who will judge you, who will make you feel defensive?
8-Immature dream or fantasy that isn’t real and it will never be achieved. It isn’t the heart’s desire, it is just an attractive and comforting story you like to tell yourself and others, but you have no real intention of doing the work and sacrifice required. You aren’t serious. This is true especially for people who want to succeed in the performing arts but won’t practice their gifts, like do their hours of practice on the piano every day or in the gym. One who is “run” by this scenario just likes to drag out this dream or personal goal to impress others, but in truth, she has no intention of taking the steps to accomplish it.
9-living someone else’s dream or fantasy, to please them or because you are afraid to speak up and declare your own life. This afflicts people’s sexual identity as well, where a gay woman will feign heterosexuality to please her parents, while sneaking around in lesbian relationships. Or kids that are working hard to be golfers, because their fathers wanted to be golfers but weren’t good enough. There is a giant fear associated with this way of life. Practitioners of the “live someone else’s life” racket are terrified of claiming their own lives. I met with a woman recently who was close to suicide, because she is so unhappy following a guru her father asked her to embrace. “They say if I quit, my next life will be very bad, as I need to study with him to erase my ego.” I suggested to her that staying with the guru only guaranteed that This Present Life Will Be Very Bad. No wonder she wants to take her life, it isn’t hers! She wants out. Of course, the wiser decision would be to get honest, tell the guru and her dad that the teaching isn’t working and that she has chosen another path. Such a position requires internal strength, and depending on the level of codependency between the parties, such personal power may never be summoned.
10-Because you lack a model of someone real who actually is doing what you want to do, so it seems like a fairy tale, intangible, unattainable, unrealistic. Let’s pretend you want to design clothes for inanimate objects (like skirts for vacuum cleaners or smocks for washing machine) but since you’ve never met a designer, you never act on your wish. It doesn’t have any “street cred” as people would say. Related to this lack of a model, there may also be a problem of a lack of an obvious path or approach, a way to accomplish the goal. You don’t see Ayurvedic massage studios on every corner in your city, so you give up looking. You haven’t actually met anyone who is earning a living and making a life in the precise way you want to. This is a common problem for young people, as they want an easier path, to be able to copy or mimic someone else’s journey (i.e., get this degree; apply at this company, and voila! Your dream is realized.) Connected to this reason is a deep worry about whether doing what one loves will pay enough or if the work will even exist. This is just the mind playing “what if” games, which have limited value.
11-You settle for some version of the golden handcuffs. You just say, “Well, lots of people don’t get what they want. And I do get health insurance and paid vacations, it could be worse.” I also refer to this way of being as Playing the Game in the Cage. You know it well; you may even have mastered it. This way is not a challenge; you may even be a Top Dog in daily practice, so you choose this sense of domination or fame over your true love. In other words, you choose to Look Good rather than Feel Good. You stay with XXX instead of go toward Ayurveda.
Related to this may be a sense that what you want will not carry the status you or your family require. There may be less public acceptance or fewer benefits, so fear of looking odd keeps you from moving forward.
This passive giving up on one’s self also shows up when people settle in a relationship, staying with someone they aren’t really drawn or committed to, but opting for convenience, i.e., “well, she has a house and I need a place to stay.”
12-you want to punish people who are hoping you will live your dreams. You want to hurt them, some kind of payback for what you consider was earlier nonsupport, negligence, abuse. Bright kids with overly pushy parents do this, sacrificing their own lives to not give their parents the satisfaction of seeing a successful child/adult. This choice can be really a secret, even to the person who is following it. Such people rarely know they are living in a way to hurt someone. They do it blindly.
Your belief that, “I do not have the means to do what my heart really wants,” is connected to the Golden Handcuffs, and truly a story you made up!
I remember when my husband was desperately trying to figure out how he could make the dramatic shift from practicing medicine to becoming a full time luthier (violinmaker). His issue was the same, “How will I pay my monthly bills? I need time to build instruments, and who will buy a new maker’s work? People want old, proven instruments!”
My job at that time was to reassure Thurmond that, if he felt this strong desire, this call from the Universe, that the Universe would not let him down. He looked at me with fear, but we stepped out together into this new world. He gave his notice at the Clinic and opened his violin shop. How would he pay his bills?
With a few days, a family we knew called to say that their father had died and they had discovered a basement full of old violins in need of repair. Did Thurmond want to buy them? We discussed this possibility, and with considerable trepidation, he decided to use some of his precious savings and buy some instruments.
I recall wading through the basement of broken violins and violas and cellos, some beyond resuscitation, some worthy of life support. Thurmond carefully studied each one and made an offer to the family. My memory is that they accepted his offer, and said, “Please take anything else you want for no charge.”
We made a few trips home with his musical corpses, and for the next few weeks, he worked steadily, getting the instruments in playing condition. Again, within days of this effort beginning, he began to get calls “Out of the Blue” (I love that phrase, it means from the Universe!) from people wanting to rent an instrument. Rent? We hadn’t really thought about it! Fast forward a few weeks…Thurmond suddenly had $1000 a month in rental income!
So, if you honestly feel called to Ayurveda, the means will appear.
You’ll notice I didn’t speak about laziness or procrastination as the reason you might not be following through. That is because I have come to believe that these habits are caused by the same 12 forces listed above, which make you choose to do something you don’t want to do. Most often, I have seen that people who procrastinate don’t really want to do what they are doing, but they haven’t admitted this truth yet to themselves, let alone anyone else.
Your brilliant mind has already told you that the reason you are doing this is because of your mind, because of a preconception, a limiting thought, some fundamental speed bump (“I don’t have the means”)…in other words, your thinking, your very basic assumptions are causing you to ignore/avoid yourself.
As I wrote earlier, after reading my list, you might just discover another unique picture your mind is holding, another thought trap that keeps you from your bliss.
Yes, the roadblock is all in the mind. In fact, everything is all in the mind. Everything. That is the good news. What is really cool is that just asking this question has put you onto your Ayurvedic study! That is right. Because seeing the link between mind-body, the actual oneness of what the West cuts in half, is at the heart of the study! Despite your concerns, you have actually begun your study with this very question. Can you see that? Many people who come to see you will be asking the very same question.
You take that day of silence you mentioned and reflect on all of this. Make sure you spend enough time, know you have fully Mined the Mind. Listen to yourself. Continue to turn over all the rocks in your garden. Don’t be afraid of what you’ll find. This is the path of discovery and buried treasure is guaranteed. If, indeed, your instinct that it is a belief that you don’t have the means to make a change is the problem, we will tackle this misconception next.
In 2004, I met a young woman who had placed first in the entrance exams for med school here in India. She had no money for school. She wanted so much to become a doctor and be the first one in residence in the poor village where her father was raised. I mentioned this need to one person. In April 2009, Mary will complete her fourth year of medical school, paid for entirely by the one person I spoke with about her needs. You never know, my friend, how the Universe is waiting to support you.
I can tell you I know many many people who have turned off the road called Doing What I Don’t Want to Do and onto the road marked Doing What I Want to Do:
My job at that time was to reassure Thurmond that, if he felt this strong desire, this call from the Universe, that the Universe would not let him down. He looked at me with fear, but we stepped out together into this new world. He gave his notice at the Clinic and opened his violin shop. How would he pay his bills?
With a few days, a family we knew called to say that their father had died and they had discovered a basement full of old violins in need of repair. Did Thurmond want to buy them? We discussed this possibility, and with considerable trepidation, he decided to use some of his precious savings and buy some instruments.
I recall wading through the basement of broken violins and violas and cellos, some beyond resuscitation, some worthy of life support. Thurmond carefully studied each one and made an offer to the family. My memory is that they accepted his offer, and said, “Please take anything else you want for no charge.”
We made a few trips home with his musical corpses, and for the next few weeks, he worked steadily, getting the instruments in playing condition. Again, within days of this effort beginning, he began to get calls “Out of the Blue” (I love that phrase, it means from the Universe!) from people wanting to rent an instrument. Rent? We hadn’t really thought about it! Fast forward a few weeks…Thurmond suddenly had $1000 a month in rental income!
So, if you honestly feel called to Ayurveda, the means will appear.
You’ll notice I didn’t speak about laziness or procrastination as the reason you might not be following through. That is because I have come to believe that these habits are caused by the same 12 forces listed above, which make you choose to do something you don’t want to do. Most often, I have seen that people who procrastinate don’t really want to do what they are doing, but they haven’t admitted this truth yet to themselves, let alone anyone else.
Your brilliant mind has already told you that the reason you are doing this is because of your mind, because of a preconception, a limiting thought, some fundamental speed bump (“I don’t have the means”)…in other words, your thinking, your very basic assumptions are causing you to ignore/avoid yourself.
As I wrote earlier, after reading my list, you might just discover another unique picture your mind is holding, another thought trap that keeps you from your bliss.
Yes, the roadblock is all in the mind. In fact, everything is all in the mind. Everything. That is the good news. What is really cool is that just asking this question has put you onto your Ayurvedic study! That is right. Because seeing the link between mind-body, the actual oneness of what the West cuts in half, is at the heart of the study! Despite your concerns, you have actually begun your study with this very question. Can you see that? Many people who come to see you will be asking the very same question.
You take that day of silence you mentioned and reflect on all of this. Make sure you spend enough time, know you have fully Mined the Mind. Listen to yourself. Continue to turn over all the rocks in your garden. Don’t be afraid of what you’ll find. This is the path of discovery and buried treasure is guaranteed. If, indeed, your instinct that it is a belief that you don’t have the means to make a change is the problem, we will tackle this misconception next.
In 2004, I met a young woman who had placed first in the entrance exams for med school here in India. She had no money for school. She wanted so much to become a doctor and be the first one in residence in the poor village where her father was raised. I mentioned this need to one person. In April 2009, Mary will complete her fourth year of medical school, paid for entirely by the one person I spoke with about her needs. You never know, my friend, how the Universe is waiting to support you.
I can tell you I know many many people who have turned off the road called Doing What I Don’t Want to Do and onto the road marked Doing What I Want to Do:
Lobbyist and Trade Association Executive Director to Yoga Therapist (Me)
Carpenter to Science Teacher (my friend, Tom S.)
Doctor to Violinmaker (my husband, Thurmond)
Trucking Company Operator to Healer (my friend, Raj)
I’ve also watched people go from practicing law to songwriting, nursing to pottery, special education to nursing, engineering to ministry. Those are just people I’ve thought of in this minute!
I believe if a desire is planted in your heart, and you find yourself thinking about it daily and enjoying any chance you have to rub up against the subject, then it is worth pursuing. You will learn a lot. You might not end up in that field. Perhaps it will only be the doorway in to the Real Field you will love. Perhaps it will lead you to where you want to live, or a life partner. Perhaps it will give you the personal healing your body yearns for. Keep an open mind as to why you want to pursue this field, there is something waiting for you. And of equal importance, there are people there who are waiting for you. Answering a call is very much a two way street. Your energy and curiosity and skills are needed.
Love to you.
Bethany: This morning when I checked your Blog, this amazing post was waiting for me....Out Of the Blue ;- ) It truly is all the Mind/Ego. Seeing that is the first step to moving on and beyond. Gratefully,Jeanne
ReplyDeleteDear Bethany, thank you for your wisdom. I am here in beautiful New Zealand with my brother who I hadn't seen in 12 years, such a wonderful reunion. I watch and see all he has become and acknowledge the influence of our parents and upbringing on who we both are in the world.
ReplyDeleteFEAR....False, Evidence, Appearing, Real is what I see that has stopped me doing what I may have wanted to over the years. Now I live each moment Loving What Is. Constantly remembering how Blessed I am and how grateful for all my blessings. Being open to all my good and all the good coming to me.
We are all worthy to have JOY in our lives. I received a card years ago, on the outside it said "Happiness is available" when you opened the card it said "Help Yourself" Life is all our choice.
Love & Blessings All Ways
Helen