On Making Sense of Death

My thoughts on death, written for a friend who is sitting at the bedside of a terminally ill family member. (Names are changed.)

I am so sorry, such a hard time for you all, my friend. Yes, I would like to be there and take a walk in the cold and sit in your kitchen and help you make sense of all this.

We have an attachment to WHEN life should END. While many of us resist even a natural, timely death...one that comes after a grand a glorious LONG life, a death like Mindy's is even harder to accept...too soon, too short, too painful. Even the merciful quality of death, after she has been through so much, doesn't seem like enough to take away the sting.

I have learned in my studies and meditation that our suffering comes from what we bring to the situation. The facts are not what cause the suffering, they are simply the truth of This Moment, what IS. The suffering, the pain, the misery is what we do with the situation.

A small example would be a child crying because he can't go to a friend's house, because he has no ride. The fact is, there is no ride. It is just his attachment to going to the friend's house that makes him sad.

On a grander, more mighty scale, our resistance to death causes us massive agony and grief. We don't want to say goodbye, we feel sorry for ourselves and all other survivors, we regret what has been done and also what is left undone. Yet, we owe ourselves this question: why do we think we know better, when death would be ok? Why do we resist or refuse the reality that one's time has come? Can we play the part of the Creator, deciding when it is Mindy's time, Our time, Your time?

Your mother has said so often to me, "Expect nothing, and you won't be disappointed." The older I get, the more profound this wisdom becomes.

We expect a full 80+ years for everyone. We fight against anything less. But again, can we actually think that we should be in charge of such events? I personally would never want to decide Who or When.

All that said, your family's pain at this moment is why I am writing. The pain that comes from our belief, our clinging to a wish that loved ones stay in our presence a little longer.

I have begun to wonder what death would be like if we simply accepted it like all other natural events in our lives...having our baby teeth come in, going into puberty, that first gray hair. Of course, our response to it is all to do with our very sense of the meaning of life. Why are we here? Is this all there is? Will we meet again?

Living in the present moment, appreciating what we have, seems like a more humane and loving way to be with ourselves and others, than grasping for one more day. As I read about the tender moments you are having at Mindy's bedside, I can see that you have made her passing a beautiful time. All the personal attention, the honest conversations, the clearing of the air....these are marvelous ways to use a day. How many of us avoid reality, and then wonder why we feel lonely?

You are living life on its own terms, facing it and death, and finding ways to continue to be loving and kind and make sense of the nonsensical nature of it all.

What an irony we find in death....we spend time finding people to love and learning to love, only to say good bye. Yet, that is the condition of life, that it is finite, that we aren't here forever, in this form.

I read once that our responses to birth and death are backwards. We act so shocked that death arrives, as if we never thought it would. We often fight and resist it, not believing it could possible enter our lives. Yet, its inevitability is all that we can be certain of! We surely cannot expect birth, that is a miracle, indeed.

How funny, we act like birth is a given, ("When is she expecting?") we expect it. What if we were to treat death in the same way? Not careless or casual, just realistic?

When I volunteered as a hospice worker, I heard about a woman dying of cancer who made everyone promise to not tell her young children she was dying. The charade was played out, the two kids (between 8 and 10 years of age) were told "Mommy has the flu," and no matter how much they asked, the answer was the same. One day, they returned from school, to find Mommy dead.

What favor did this mother do, pretending death wasn't coming? How cruel to deny her children a chance to say good bye, to share in some final moments of pure love. And what will they think if they hear someone else "Has the flu"? I would imagine their whole lives will in someway be twisted by this unfairness, this lie.

So, in the midst of your pain, you are being so real, knowing it is time to let go. I salute you. Having conversations about Mindy's preferences for a funeral or memorial service, the music, the minister...this is all so healthy. You are willing to step into her day with her, to live in the present with her. It must be a great relief to her, to have your honest and loving self at her side.

Your family has all grown strong and close through her illness. You have continued to find the good things her final days brought you: long drives to distant hospitals, different family members pitching in, making time for each other. How beautiful it has been to see your son become a caregiver, and such a tender one! I believe the benefits will continue to reveal themselves, long after she is gone.

While I am not suggesting you can avoid or even should avoid the grief and mourning, I am encouraging you, as much as possible, to see it all as a natural and expected part of life. Bringing this attitude of acceptance to the challenge can spare all of you the darkest of moments. Being a realist doesn't mean you don't love her and you won't miss her. It means you also love yourselves, and don't want to slip into paralyzing sadness. Attaching to something that, by its very design, must leave, is not loving yourself.

Celebrate her life, and all the good she has brought to your family! Try and get some rest! And know that many friends, including me, are lifting you all up in prayer, that you will find peace and strength. May her final days be ones of great love and comfort. For all of you. Love, B

p.s. I am including some Words of Comfort; I hope you share them.

Words of Comfort
Compiled by Bethany Knight
Ecclesiastics 3:1-8
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven;
A time to be born and at time to die;
A time to plant and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to break down and a time to build up;
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain and a time to lose;
A time to keep and a time to throw away;
A time to tear and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence and a time to speak;
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time of war and a time of peace.

~~~
In a little while I will be gone from you, my people, and whither I cannot tell. From nowhere we come, into nowhere we go. What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of the buffalo in the winter time. It is the shadow that runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
Chief Crowfoot

~~~
Miss Me...But Let Me Go
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little...but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone
It's all part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me...but let me go.
Anonymous
~~~
After the Darkness
After the darkness
The daylight shines through
After the showers
The rainbow's in view
After life's heartaches
There comes from above
The peace, the comfort
Of God's healing love.
Anonymous
~~~
Do Not Stand At My Grave
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am the diamond glints on the snow
I am the breezes, whispering low
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn's rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die.
Anonymous
~~~
In Memory of Charles
Your memory fills my soul at this solemn hour.
I remember days when you dwelt on earth.
It revives in me thoughts of the love and
friendliness which you bestowed upon me.
You have gone from me, but the bond
which unites our souls can never be severed.
Your image lives within my heart.
May the merciful Father reward you
for the kindness you have shown me.
May He lift up the light of His countenance
upon you and grant you eternal peace.
The body is the temple for the soul
May God keep Charles in his eternal care.
Written by Mrs. Isabel Edwards, in memory of her late husband Charles, who died at the Gill Nursing Home in Ludlow, VT

~~~
My Dear Children Who I Love in Christ
The Lord has closed my eyes on this earth to return me to Eternity. Alleluia. Be consoled. I will always be with you invisibly, believe me.

Pray for me, speak to me and I will answer you and I will console you.

I believe that I will be with your father in the beautiful heaven that God reserved for us. Alleluia.

Please forgive me if I offended you with me impatience. It was not from malice of heart but the workload was so heavy that I lacked the strength. I hid and cried in secret. I was forgiven as God is so good and His Son is so merciful. I am now at Peace with the love of Jesus and Mary whom I love so.

Your father and I wait for you in the Kingdom of Heaven, which we worked so hard to deserve. Alleluia.

Love each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, for that is the love, the peace and joy that I wish for you from my heart.

As you found joy in preparing for my 75th Birthday Party, let us prepare ourselves for the same joy of eternity. GLORY TO GOD...

From your mother who loves you tenderly
Written in October, 1979, and found among the possessions of a resident who died at Rowan Court Nursing Home in Barre, VT.

~~~
Oopick's Death
Grandma Oopick was found dead in her bed...She had reached the very old, old age when dark hairs start to grow in to replace the gray. It was said this happened to the very, very old and that their eyesight also begins to improve after a certain age.

The men placed Oopick in the grave with her few most treasured belongings...tears rolled down granddaughter Nedercook's check. Mother Kiachook said nothing, but put her arm around her daughter for a little while. She knew that some grieving and tears were healthy.

That evening, and for the next six nights, Villagers brought food and gathered in the Big Dance House, to eat and sing. There was some dancing to celebrate Oopick's departure to the spirit world. Kiachook let Nedercook cry without restraining her for the first day, nor did she say anything to stop the sniffling and sobs during the first night. On the afternoon of the second day, as the evening approached, she walked to where Nedercook stood rubbing her red eyes, and placing an arm gently around her should, she said, "You have cried enough. Now it is time to stop, for they say that too many tears will but wet the grave of the departed. She suffers not, but would be saddened to see you so unhappy."

After a brief silence, Kiachook added, "Daughter, where grief comes into you life, try hard to keep doing the things you are used to doing, and eat as you always have. If you don't eat and work, it will want to become a habit and it will be much harder for you later on." Then she looked into her daughter's red eyes as she said, "We will go to the Big Dance House tonight and give our help to the others who are celebrating Oopick's admission to the spirit world."
from Once Upon An Eskimo Time, by Edna Wilder

~~~
Prayer of Remembrance
O Divine Creator,
why does the beautiful blue bird disappear from our view? Where does the world beyond our window go? Only you know.

Lord, we struggle with our good-byes, not understanding why we lose what we love. We are so fragile, wondering why we have been left behind, with only our faith to keep us warm.

We do know that from tribulation, comes patience, from patience, comes experience, and out of experience, comes hope.

In your lovingkindness, you give us hope. Today, in this moment of hope, we recall with fondness those fellow travelers whose journey has taken them past our horizon. We thank you, dear God, for these cherished memories. May they fuel our hearts in the days ahead. Amen.
Bethany Knight
~~~

Prayer
Eternal God, give us now your grace, that as we shrink before the mystery of death
we may see the light of eternity.

To all of our loved ones
whom you have graciously received into your presence,
grant your peace.
Let perpetual light shine upon them;
and help us so to believe where we have not seen,
that your presence may lead us through our years,
and bring us at last with them
into the joy of your home
not made with hands but eternal to the heavens;
through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

United Methodist Book of Services, abridged

~~~
If a seed
in the black earth
can turn into such beautiful roses
what might not
the heart of man become
in its long journey
towards the stars.
G. K. Chesterton

~~~
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts fro the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speak of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Anonymous
~~~
Forgive me, Lord
If I have judged the different to be bad because it was strange to me,
Forgive me, Lord.

If I have condemned those who struggle with the new,
If I saw anger or disrespect where there was none,
If I have been harsh toward those whose vision made them
see danger or disrespect where there was none,
Forgive me, Lord .

If I have silenced music,
If I have paralyzed the dance,
If I have slashed the canvas, burned the books,
cleared the stage, choked the laughter,
Forgive me, Lord.

If I have fostered mediocrity for the sake of acceptability,
If I have shunned awe in the presence of the sacred,
If anger or fear has led me to dishonesty or distortion,
Forgive me, Lord.
Elberta Farrar Herrin
~~~
...and think of her as living
in the hearts of those she touched...
for nothing loved is ever lost-
and she was loved so much.

Audrey Young, on the death of her mother, Cordelia Young
~~~
Twenty-Third Psalm - An Indian Version
Father, guardian of earth and the heavens
Along with all things, I am your creation.
You are the tree of life, I am a branch
Flowering, thankful, and contented.

The marvels, the natural elements you have made
I am in awe and reverence about them.
Through your love and guidance, you give me a precious vine to hold on to.
It is the thread of life to follow.
It leads me satisfied among the fragrant meadows and calm waters.
It is you who has provided the fruits of life, and I am happy.

You provide my sustenance, and nourishment
From the land, the waters, and the air.
I am bIessed, I give thanks for all.
I am satisfied, my bowl is plenty.
You arc the Spirit at our center.
With you I am strong, my heart good.

Sometimes it is not easy, this life's road.
Sometimes I fall, tested.
You give me strength and direction to carry on.
To pursue a path of goodness, and to care for others.
Life is but a part of a cycle- a beginning.
As with all things in time, I know I must leave behind this Earthly life
Entering another journey
That I shall travel with no fear, for you are with me Now, Then and Forever.

Bad times come with the good,
But good will prevail.
I speak from the heart.
I have done my best to follow the good path
Ready for the next journey.
I am prepared.

It is then in the great heavenly lodge rejoining my relatives
With pride in a life lived
That I will humbly present myself Spirit Father
In heaven, as on earth, forever.

Emma Henderson, Bagdad, Kentucky
~~~
The Baseball Game
The park has now grown quiet
The fans have all gone home.
But if you listen closely
You can hear the cheers go on.
For fast balls thrown as strikes
And balls hit as home runs.
As we look the field is empty
But we remember all the fun.
Although the game has ended
For Brett its just begun.
Jana Gilbertson, in memory of her son, Brett

~~~
The Rose Beyond the Wall
A rose once grew where all could see,
Sheltered beside a garden wall.
And, as the days passed swiftly by,
It spread its branches, straight and tall.
One day, a beam of light shone through
A crevice that had opened wide—
The rose bent gently toward its warmth
The passed beyond to the other side.
Now, you who deeply feel its loss,
Be comforted, the rose blooms there---
Its beauty even greater now,
Nurtured by God’s own loving care.
Anonymous

~~~
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
Anonymous
Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free.
I’m following the path God laid for me,
I took his hand when I heard him call
I truned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day to laught, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that place at the close of day.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don’t lengthn it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me.
God wanted me now, he set me free.
Anonymous

~~~
No Vermonters in Heaven

I dreamed that I went to the City of Gold, to Heaven, resplendent and fair,
And after I entered the beautiful fold,
By one in authority there I was told
That not a Vermonter was there.

"Impossible, sir, for from my own town
Many sought this delectable place,
And each must be here with a harp and a crown,
And a conqueror's palm and a clean linen gown, received through unmerited grace."

The angel replied: "All Vermonters come here when first they depart from the earth,
But after a day or a month or a year,
They restless and lonesome and homesick appear, and sigh for the land of their birth."

"They tell of ravines, wild, secluded and deep, and flower-decked, landscapes serene,
Of towering mountains imposing and steep,
Adown which the torrents exultingly leap,
Through forests perennially green."

"We give them the best that the kingdom provides,
They have everything here that they want,
But not a Vermonter in Heaven abides;
A very brief period here he resides,
Then hikes his way back to Vermont."

Ernest Fenwick Johnstone