Leafing through a friend’s family photo album here in Bangalore today, I burst into tears.
A slim shining bride. A thin earnest groom. A baby in the bath. A family at the beach.
Over and over, I am pierced with awareness of the Universal Human Story. And with the classic emotions associated with the most common milestones.
See the hope and fear in the eyes of the wedding party. In-laws worried they are about to face a change….losing a daughter? Gaining a daughter? Losing a son? Gaining a son?
Young women anxious about this strange new family they are entering…will I be heard? Will they be kind? Will I be happy?
The groom equally concerned, feeling the weight of becoming a provider suddenly come upon his shoulders. Can I manage? Will I succeed?
~~~
Fast forwarding 25 or 30 years, this same couple is now planning the wedding for their 6 foot son who once fit in a grocery store plastic basket.
Again, a ceremony where pictures will be taken of youth and age, joy and fear, possibility and pessimism.
Looking at the lives of people married more years than not, we see so many layers of paint! Many fresh starts, times of redecorating and redesign. Hairstyles change, eyeglass frames expand and contract and clothing sizes go from S to M to L. But beyond the altered packaging, what else has happened?
Gaining weight is easy. Gaining wisdom is not.
Psychology Today reports that 57 percent of first marriages fail, and after 10 years of trying, 60 percent of second marriages also end.
My prayer for my marriage and all other married couples is that we see the precious gift of marriage, as a magnificent and massive opportunity to learn about ourselves, about forgiveness, about expectations and compassion.
Sitting at a wedding on Sunday, everyone present felt the delicious, intangible sense of “love in the air.” Even bitter old couples sat closer together, tickled awake by the young lovers. I ran home and wrote an email to my husband, Thurmond, telling him I liked growing old with him, and especially loved the weathered skin on his neck the top of his hands.
Years ago, after Thurmond finally persuaded me that he honestly doesn’t enjoy travel….an activity I have loved so much, that I actually refer to myself year ‘round as “the curious tourist,” I came to realize one of my most Basic Truths. My husband can’t be everything to me, but I can be everything to myself. Thurmond taught me this, by refusing to accept my bullying. He let me know that he wouldn’t accompany me on any long trips, but at the same time, he encouraged me to spread my wings.
What a gift! To be reminded of my independence, my capacity as a solo traveler. With this awareness, I have enjoyed so many adventures, finding friendships and travel companions wherever I am.
~~~
In 1970, winning a trip to India from my home town of Kalamazoo, Michigan, I lived several months with a family in Indore, MP, India. Both were doctors, living at 4/5 South Tukoganj, Dr. and Dr. Singh. One afternoon in the garden, while teaching daughters Radika and Padmini how to use the American Frisbee, Mrs. Dr. Singh asked me, “What is this divorce?” She pronounced it as DIE-Vorce, and at first, I didn’t know what she meant.
At 18, prior to my own personal experience with two divorces, I hardly knew what to say. With virtually no experience with divorce (38 years ago, it was not a common practice, even in the US) my answer was short.
Mrs. Dr. Singh laughed. “You Americans expect so much out of marriage! You want a lover, a friend, a provider, children, a father for your children, a travel companion, no wonder you fail! All I wanted was children, and I am happy.”
From where I sit today, I see Dr. Singh's wisdom in having realistic expectations. Remembering that the other person, the spouse-to-be, is just another fragile person on his or her own journey of self discovery. No Sleeping Beauty or Prince Charming, but a precious being seeking happiness and meaning. Both parties want attention, to be the center of the Universe for the other.
Frankly, I can remember times I have tired of my own company: why should I expect my husband to always desire time with me?! Looking to him for completion, affirmation, concurrence is foolish and immature. At most, he can hold up the mirror and show me myself. He can encourage me to become. He can remind me that the only permission I need is my own.
After about two years of marriage, I asked Thurmond what it was like to be married to me. Always thoughtful, he sat quietly for a moment. “Like being married to a squad of eight cheerleaders!” he replied, smiling.
“I shall hear that as a compliment,” I said, a bit defensively.
“Oh, that is how I meant it!” he said. And to this day, he has shown me how my encouragement means so much to him. How my greatest gift is to fan the flames of SELF in him, to support his self direction and joy.
Hanging on to disappointment, from simple sarcasm to scarring infidelity, corrodes our inner lining and sours our taste for life. Our challenge is to learn from our pain, to see that it springs only from our fantasies about “what should be.” The healing, the relief from pain, comes solely from seeing, “what is.” Once I see “what is,” its perfection and beauty, I can learn all the lessons spread out before me.
Married to Thurmond W. Knight, Jr. (http://www.violinviolacello.com/) I am blessed with an abundance of lessons, an artesian well bubbling with opportunities to learn about life and myself.
To all those married or contemplating a blessed union, I wish for you what I wish for myself: the grace to see one’s spouse as a Great Teacher, to see marriage as a roadmap to self and Truth. Viva romance!
This essay is dedicated to S and R, on the eve of your 30th anniversary; and to S and N, on the eve of their marriage. And to you-know who, at the dawn of you-know-what.
A slim shining bride. A thin earnest groom. A baby in the bath. A family at the beach.
Over and over, I am pierced with awareness of the Universal Human Story. And with the classic emotions associated with the most common milestones.
See the hope and fear in the eyes of the wedding party. In-laws worried they are about to face a change….losing a daughter? Gaining a daughter? Losing a son? Gaining a son?
Young women anxious about this strange new family they are entering…will I be heard? Will they be kind? Will I be happy?
The groom equally concerned, feeling the weight of becoming a provider suddenly come upon his shoulders. Can I manage? Will I succeed?
~~~
Fast forwarding 25 or 30 years, this same couple is now planning the wedding for their 6 foot son who once fit in a grocery store plastic basket.
Again, a ceremony where pictures will be taken of youth and age, joy and fear, possibility and pessimism.
Looking at the lives of people married more years than not, we see so many layers of paint! Many fresh starts, times of redecorating and redesign. Hairstyles change, eyeglass frames expand and contract and clothing sizes go from S to M to L. But beyond the altered packaging, what else has happened?
Gaining weight is easy. Gaining wisdom is not.
Psychology Today reports that 57 percent of first marriages fail, and after 10 years of trying, 60 percent of second marriages also end.
My prayer for my marriage and all other married couples is that we see the precious gift of marriage, as a magnificent and massive opportunity to learn about ourselves, about forgiveness, about expectations and compassion.
Sitting at a wedding on Sunday, everyone present felt the delicious, intangible sense of “love in the air.” Even bitter old couples sat closer together, tickled awake by the young lovers. I ran home and wrote an email to my husband, Thurmond, telling him I liked growing old with him, and especially loved the weathered skin on his neck the top of his hands.
Years ago, after Thurmond finally persuaded me that he honestly doesn’t enjoy travel….an activity I have loved so much, that I actually refer to myself year ‘round as “the curious tourist,” I came to realize one of my most Basic Truths. My husband can’t be everything to me, but I can be everything to myself. Thurmond taught me this, by refusing to accept my bullying. He let me know that he wouldn’t accompany me on any long trips, but at the same time, he encouraged me to spread my wings.
What a gift! To be reminded of my independence, my capacity as a solo traveler. With this awareness, I have enjoyed so many adventures, finding friendships and travel companions wherever I am.
~~~
In 1970, winning a trip to India from my home town of Kalamazoo, Michigan, I lived several months with a family in Indore, MP, India. Both were doctors, living at 4/5 South Tukoganj, Dr. and Dr. Singh. One afternoon in the garden, while teaching daughters Radika and Padmini how to use the American Frisbee, Mrs. Dr. Singh asked me, “What is this divorce?” She pronounced it as DIE-Vorce, and at first, I didn’t know what she meant.
At 18, prior to my own personal experience with two divorces, I hardly knew what to say. With virtually no experience with divorce (38 years ago, it was not a common practice, even in the US) my answer was short.
Mrs. Dr. Singh laughed. “You Americans expect so much out of marriage! You want a lover, a friend, a provider, children, a father for your children, a travel companion, no wonder you fail! All I wanted was children, and I am happy.”
From where I sit today, I see Dr. Singh's wisdom in having realistic expectations. Remembering that the other person, the spouse-to-be, is just another fragile person on his or her own journey of self discovery. No Sleeping Beauty or Prince Charming, but a precious being seeking happiness and meaning. Both parties want attention, to be the center of the Universe for the other.
Frankly, I can remember times I have tired of my own company: why should I expect my husband to always desire time with me?! Looking to him for completion, affirmation, concurrence is foolish and immature. At most, he can hold up the mirror and show me myself. He can encourage me to become. He can remind me that the only permission I need is my own.
After about two years of marriage, I asked Thurmond what it was like to be married to me. Always thoughtful, he sat quietly for a moment. “Like being married to a squad of eight cheerleaders!” he replied, smiling.
“I shall hear that as a compliment,” I said, a bit defensively.
“Oh, that is how I meant it!” he said. And to this day, he has shown me how my encouragement means so much to him. How my greatest gift is to fan the flames of SELF in him, to support his self direction and joy.
Hanging on to disappointment, from simple sarcasm to scarring infidelity, corrodes our inner lining and sours our taste for life. Our challenge is to learn from our pain, to see that it springs only from our fantasies about “what should be.” The healing, the relief from pain, comes solely from seeing, “what is.” Once I see “what is,” its perfection and beauty, I can learn all the lessons spread out before me.
Married to Thurmond W. Knight, Jr. (http://www.violinviolacello.com/) I am blessed with an abundance of lessons, an artesian well bubbling with opportunities to learn about life and myself.
To all those married or contemplating a blessed union, I wish for you what I wish for myself: the grace to see one’s spouse as a Great Teacher, to see marriage as a roadmap to self and Truth. Viva romance!
This essay is dedicated to S and R, on the eve of your 30th anniversary; and to S and N, on the eve of their marriage. And to you-know who, at the dawn of you-know-what.
bethany..
ReplyDeleteyou hit so many nails on the head with those comments.. as time goes on i think we appreciate the relationships that foster growth not control..
i am not sure but i suspect that that attitude is not something that is learned.. it may be something that you have or you dont have.. and that may explain the statistics you refer to..
god bless
john
Hi Bethany,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your inspiration.
Love you.
Michele