A good deal of my Bangalorean winter has been spent listening to middle aged and older women who can't say No and are miserable because of it.
In India, is seems the combination of cultural expectations and family roles makes it at least twice as hard as in America, if not more, for women to get out of situations where they are incredibly unhappy, angry, resentful and depressed. Just a few months ago, I worked with a new friend to set up her blog, OpenTruthBox, where she writes and writes about this very dilemma: finally speaking the words she has had caught in her throat for 70+ years.
Younger women seem less influenced by these pressures and more brave to speak their truth. I’ve noticed the present generation of 20 and 30 somethings is quite remarkable, demonstrating a quiet courage to speak honestly and succinctly, not getting roped into doing things they don’t want to do.
A wise Buddhist friend of mine says that there are basically four ways we live our daily lives: We
1-do it and enjoy it
2-do it and don’t enjoy it
3-don’t do it and enjoy it
4-don’t do it and don’t enjoy it
This past six months, I’ve been in contact with many women who are masters of the second way of life, Do It and Don’t Enjoy It.
Readers who don’t suffer with this disorder might not find this posting of any interest. Consider yourselves lucky! Because those who suffer from it (almost exclusively a women-only syndrome) don’t just suffer emotionally and mentally. A way of life, saying Yes when you mean No often leads dangerously into two more difficult domains: physical illness and the desire to die.
Not able to say No, these women begin to experience a series of health problems we can directly connect to their dishonesty. (For more on this subject, read Gabor Mate’s, When the Body Says NO, the Stress Disease Connection, or any book by Louise Hay.) Able to blame their body as the reason they can’t say Yes, chronic illness becomes a great companion, rescuing them from their lies. “I would love to say Yes, but I am just too sick.”
My message is “Rather than opting for sickness or death as a way to end this self destructive cycle, self care is the healthy way out.” In our yoga therapy sessions, I stress learning how to love oneself, and in the process, learning to say No when things aren't good for us or are not of interest.
Simply being clear and saying "Yes" only when we mean it may appear to be a straight forward no-brainer, but it is clearly the hardest task these women have ever faced.
Conditioned or programmed to put everyone else first, be it their parents, husbands, children, bosses, guru, customers, neighbors, relatives and friends, they endure an empty aching rage within, which leads to physical ailments. Fibroids, hemorrhaging, migraines and rashes are the most common health problems I have encountered, though more serious symptoms, that look like the early stages of deafness, blindness, MS and Parkinson’s, also present. One friend keeps telling me, “My emotions are muted. I don’t feel anything. I don’t even want to get out of bed or do the little things, like make a cup of tea.”
A friend says I am analyzing this situation too severely, that all I am witnessing is a wonderful example of Indian hospitality, that incredibly generous spirit of opening one’s home and life to others, without hesitation.
Sorry, I don’t agree. Granted, the West has a lot to learn about genuine hospitality from the East. But welcoming others must not be practiced as an obligation or mindlessly, without due consideration of the giver’s capacity. The last thing I want is to be invited to someone’s home when they are too tired or sick or disinterested to host! For a woman who has trouble putting herself first, recognizing her bad habit not only hurts her but others is often where she begins to Awaken. “You mean it isn’t nice to the other person to pretend? You mean I am teaching my children to be dishonest?”
What Stops Us From Saying No?
Guilt is a big bad barrier to truth telling. “They won’t like me. They will think I’m not nice.”
Fear. “They won’t like me. They will think I’m not nice.”
So ingrained is RRS (Reverse Response Syndrome, my own term) that afflicted women have no qualms about repeatedly and frequently lying throughout the day! When I point out this rather shocking distinction, laughter and nods follow. “Oh, yes, it is much easier to lie than tell the truth, for sure!” they confess. In other words, they would rather sacrifice their health, happiness and integrity for others. They would rather look good than feel good. They would rather offend themselves than others. PLEASE NOTE: at first blush, this last sentence has a rather noble ring to it, almost a humble tone. But be warned: it is only false humility we hear, as the apparent graciousness isn’t real or honest.
I’ve met women living on disability, virtually bed-ridden, who’ve spent their entire adult lives saying “Yes” when they meant “No.” They are depressed, lonely, despondent and deep down…really angry. Mad at themselves, mostly, and also, to varying degrees, at those they consider their “victimizers, violators or abusers,” (their terms)
As a compassionate listener, I have learned to respond with a kind of holy indifference, or dispassionate discernment. Lifetime habits and addictions have tight grips. The hinges of the heart and psyche may even be rusted closed. Yes, I believe in miraculous healings, but I also know such events are not orchestrated by humans.
Each of us has our own path, be it the easy way or the hard way. I have come to see my role as a cheerleader for the truth, a supporter of honesty, an encourager of self love. (I avoid offering sympathy, as this energy does not motivate people to discover and use their voice and power.) I hold up a mirror and ask questions. Fortunately, I have no need to judge or criticize these women. I have great love and respect for their tender Awakening. After all, I am the wounded healer. Their story was once mine. I find strength in cherishing my own Awakening, and some basic truths I have collected along the way:
“Nothing has more strength than dire necessity.” Euripides
“Healing is a matter of time, but it is also sometimes a matter of opportunity.” Hippocrates
“People only see what they are prepared to see.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
“No single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.” Antoin de Saint-Exupery
“You can wake a sleeping person, but you can’t wake someone pretending to be asleep.”
Suresh Reddy
(Dedicated to R., L., N., S., B., D. with love and hope.)
In India, is seems the combination of cultural expectations and family roles makes it at least twice as hard as in America, if not more, for women to get out of situations where they are incredibly unhappy, angry, resentful and depressed. Just a few months ago, I worked with a new friend to set up her blog, OpenTruthBox, where she writes and writes about this very dilemma: finally speaking the words she has had caught in her throat for 70+ years.
Younger women seem less influenced by these pressures and more brave to speak their truth. I’ve noticed the present generation of 20 and 30 somethings is quite remarkable, demonstrating a quiet courage to speak honestly and succinctly, not getting roped into doing things they don’t want to do.
A wise Buddhist friend of mine says that there are basically four ways we live our daily lives: We
1-do it and enjoy it
2-do it and don’t enjoy it
3-don’t do it and enjoy it
4-don’t do it and don’t enjoy it
This past six months, I’ve been in contact with many women who are masters of the second way of life, Do It and Don’t Enjoy It.
Readers who don’t suffer with this disorder might not find this posting of any interest. Consider yourselves lucky! Because those who suffer from it (almost exclusively a women-only syndrome) don’t just suffer emotionally and mentally. A way of life, saying Yes when you mean No often leads dangerously into two more difficult domains: physical illness and the desire to die.
Not able to say No, these women begin to experience a series of health problems we can directly connect to their dishonesty. (For more on this subject, read Gabor Mate’s, When the Body Says NO, the Stress Disease Connection, or any book by Louise Hay.) Able to blame their body as the reason they can’t say Yes, chronic illness becomes a great companion, rescuing them from their lies. “I would love to say Yes, but I am just too sick.”
My message is “Rather than opting for sickness or death as a way to end this self destructive cycle, self care is the healthy way out.” In our yoga therapy sessions, I stress learning how to love oneself, and in the process, learning to say No when things aren't good for us or are not of interest.
Simply being clear and saying "Yes" only when we mean it may appear to be a straight forward no-brainer, but it is clearly the hardest task these women have ever faced.
Conditioned or programmed to put everyone else first, be it their parents, husbands, children, bosses, guru, customers, neighbors, relatives and friends, they endure an empty aching rage within, which leads to physical ailments. Fibroids, hemorrhaging, migraines and rashes are the most common health problems I have encountered, though more serious symptoms, that look like the early stages of deafness, blindness, MS and Parkinson’s, also present. One friend keeps telling me, “My emotions are muted. I don’t feel anything. I don’t even want to get out of bed or do the little things, like make a cup of tea.”
A friend says I am analyzing this situation too severely, that all I am witnessing is a wonderful example of Indian hospitality, that incredibly generous spirit of opening one’s home and life to others, without hesitation.
Sorry, I don’t agree. Granted, the West has a lot to learn about genuine hospitality from the East. But welcoming others must not be practiced as an obligation or mindlessly, without due consideration of the giver’s capacity. The last thing I want is to be invited to someone’s home when they are too tired or sick or disinterested to host! For a woman who has trouble putting herself first, recognizing her bad habit not only hurts her but others is often where she begins to Awaken. “You mean it isn’t nice to the other person to pretend? You mean I am teaching my children to be dishonest?”
What Stops Us From Saying No?
Guilt is a big bad barrier to truth telling. “They won’t like me. They will think I’m not nice.”
Fear. “They won’t like me. They will think I’m not nice.”
So ingrained is RRS (Reverse Response Syndrome, my own term) that afflicted women have no qualms about repeatedly and frequently lying throughout the day! When I point out this rather shocking distinction, laughter and nods follow. “Oh, yes, it is much easier to lie than tell the truth, for sure!” they confess. In other words, they would rather sacrifice their health, happiness and integrity for others. They would rather look good than feel good. They would rather offend themselves than others. PLEASE NOTE: at first blush, this last sentence has a rather noble ring to it, almost a humble tone. But be warned: it is only false humility we hear, as the apparent graciousness isn’t real or honest.
I’ve met women living on disability, virtually bed-ridden, who’ve spent their entire adult lives saying “Yes” when they meant “No.” They are depressed, lonely, despondent and deep down…really angry. Mad at themselves, mostly, and also, to varying degrees, at those they consider their “victimizers, violators or abusers,” (their terms)
As a compassionate listener, I have learned to respond with a kind of holy indifference, or dispassionate discernment. Lifetime habits and addictions have tight grips. The hinges of the heart and psyche may even be rusted closed. Yes, I believe in miraculous healings, but I also know such events are not orchestrated by humans.
Each of us has our own path, be it the easy way or the hard way. I have come to see my role as a cheerleader for the truth, a supporter of honesty, an encourager of self love. (I avoid offering sympathy, as this energy does not motivate people to discover and use their voice and power.) I hold up a mirror and ask questions. Fortunately, I have no need to judge or criticize these women. I have great love and respect for their tender Awakening. After all, I am the wounded healer. Their story was once mine. I find strength in cherishing my own Awakening, and some basic truths I have collected along the way:
“Nothing has more strength than dire necessity.” Euripides
“Healing is a matter of time, but it is also sometimes a matter of opportunity.” Hippocrates
“People only see what they are prepared to see.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
“No single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.” Antoin de Saint-Exupery
“You can wake a sleeping person, but you can’t wake someone pretending to be asleep.”
Suresh Reddy
(Dedicated to R., L., N., S., B., D. with love and hope.)
No comments:
Post a Comment