"Somewhere, Deep Inside of Me, Is Peace"

A very dear and old friend sent me a great, great Christmas letter, and I was so moved by her story, I asked her some questions about what changed, and for her permission to share her good news with all of you. She did a little tweaking, and agreed to the reprint I am posting here, with some uplifting photos from nature.

My friend has spent much of her adult life worrying, angry and consequently, depressed. I often felt bad after visiting her, wishing she would enjoy her life more. But as is often the case, she was wrapped up in her patterns and habits, and in some kind of negative rut.
BUT NO MORE! So, as a Christmas gift to all those who have felt trapped in a painful place, read on. You, too, can create a life of joy!
"No medicine. There are a lot of studies that day if you just muddle on, depression generally lifts in a few years all by itself. I think a lot of my new perspective is the result of the gradual removal of the stress of me always trying to beat this one or overcome this or that or fix whatever.

"And when my job ended a year ago, for awhile it was depressing not to go to work every day or have something to DO... and i still have some twinges of guilt. But then I realized that this is a taste of retirement, what everyone else is striving for and say they want and I ought to immerse myself in it and see how it feels.

"So I have tried to embrace having no expectations and no schedule and it is finally working. I have spent my working life, more than 30 years, being super stressed over my work, health and money etc etc.... and somehow that has lifted too. It is not that I am not still super frugal and concerned about my health - but I am not tortured by the absence of health insurance or a steady growth in my savings account.

"I am holding my own by living simply and selling some stuff on Craigslist and when I want something, buying used. But in terms of the bigger picture, I just don't CARE about all this stuff anymore. I still love my toys, but I feel freer now, that I can survive and will be taken care of, even if I am living in a cardboard box or my car somewhere. I am just not as bothered by all the "noise" of daily striving...

"And I just love this little house with Nature all around - the birds and the mountains and the horses out back and the house cat who never lets much of anything bother her! - just wants food, a spot in the sun on the bed and a little time outdoors hunting - SIMPLE.

"I am actually learning from the cat and the horses. They just ARE and their needs are simple and they live in the NOW. I am still in court with the land neighbor from hell who damaged my land in another part of the state - but even that is more like a learning lesson of me studying the law and figuring out how to represent myself - then it is some angry, tortured thing - although I do think about it far too much....

(see the baby tucked between the parents?)

"The one big obstacle is still my weight.. and I have been going to an adult class on methods to losing weight, but it is NOT connecting with my brain/life style yet... but I just can't beat myself up about that - I have to love and accept myself for all the good in me and the good I do and just let myself fail at something and keep trying quietly. Otherwise, I would be suicidal!!!
"So, maybe I am just getting older and smarter or more tired or ? I dunno.. but I am not so WORRIED as I was. I still do worry, but somewhere deep inside me is PEACE - or more of it than I had before. I am understanding that there is a lot to be said with "going with the flow" and just living each day.

"And I think a lot about what YOU said about CELEBRATING each day. Just be happy and let it all wash over me.... the hours, the sun, the wind, the rain, the snow.. GO WITH IT and not fight. Another big piece is my niece dying suddenly 2 or 3 yrs ago - that was a total shocker. We were close in age - and she had a tough life as a teen, but she had a good heart and died in a horrific car accident, possibly reaching for a cell phone, one her way to pick up her young son from day care. That flipped a switch inside me big time. I still deny she is dead and gone. But I am determined to be nicer, kinder, and ROLL IN EACH DAY like a happy horse or dog in fresh green grass and be grateful for all I have.... all I have worked for.... and for just being alive that day.

"UNDERSTAND, that I still sleep too much, get down on myself, get unreasonably angry with tangled extension cords and curse like a sailor with impatience and my incompetence when frustrated, but down deep, I AM CALMER and happy to wake up each day and do not much and I ENJOY that...
"And when people say, Do you want to travel or go on vacation etc? I say NO. I was running here and there for years and I am THRILLED to be in this beautiful small home with amazing views and the mountains and the cat and the horses that needs no real work - so easy to take care of the place compared to the big old Victorian that was partly ego driven, to have one of the biggest homes in town - and to just sit outside and listen to the birds and watch the sky change is a such a gift after working so darn hard for so many years in an office....

"People pay a fortune to come to Vermont and this town and relax in all seasons, why would I want to go somewhere else?? I have traveled. I prefer books and peace and quiet now. Even if I can't pay that in a couple years, and I have to sell this house, at least I had a nice time for a few years. I'll be fine.
"If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I had a good time. I did the best I could. I tried to make a difference. I was driven and hard working and funny and questioned authority and pompous asses and had some great friends. A good life! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!XO"