A friend I have not heard from in more years than you could imagine found me through the magic of the internet. She wrote me an email. I have invited her to continue the conversation on the blog.NOTE: Here are two photos of a wonderful fresh sweet drink being made at the train station...sugar cane juice! See the cane being crushed, and below, the juice. Life is full of amazing moments, one after another. The commencement of the following conversation is yet another such moment.
From my old friend:
"I almost sat down at my home computer to write to you last night. It was a terrible horrible day, just one more in a chain of too many terrible horrible days. I was emotionally exhausted, physically numb, and for some reason finding myself drawn to corresponding with you, much like I have been drawn to searching for you through the years. But, as usual, I ignored my inner promptings and fell asleep in front of the TV (after downing two sleeping pills). I have been carting around your Armchair Yoga ‘book,’ In my car. which I had printed at work last week. When I got to work this morning, I started reading it, and found a little bit of energy (hope?) working it’s way from my feet, up my body and into my chest. Being one who (1) tried yoga and couldn’t do ANY of the positions, (2) stuffs feelings via Ben and Jerry’s and (3) whose struggles with emotional/mental health seem to get more intense with each passing year, I can hardly wait to get home to continue reading your book (and maybe practicing). I stopped, because I was at work, right at the Six-Question Quiz. I cannot allow myself the luxury to ‘go there’ while at the office. Years ago, I took part in a Buddhist sanga at church and, for the first time EVER, was able to quiet the madness of judgment and criticism that bounces around in my brain pretty much 24-7. When I take time to meditate, it continues to help me be a little more mindful (is there such a thing as a little more mindful, or is it more like being pregnant – you are or you aren’t!). However, the demon of the family legacy is the never-ending replay of hurt and rejection, the gift that keeps on giving. I know that back in high school I talked with you a bit about my home life. Things were much worse than I ever told anyone. And even today I am triggered by small things. The size of the ‘thing’ does not at all correspond to the size of my reaction, and if I am not incredibly and thoroughly grounded, I end up a beat-up little girl again. A cross word from a friend feels like a fist in my gut. My emotional antenna are constantly twitching, trying to predict from which direction the next kick or slap will make it’s appearances. It seems that having gone through that once should inoculate me against recurring episodes, even purely emotional ones. Therapy has helped with the severity and length of the dark waves that threaten to smother me. I do still have the waves, and am fighting my way to the surface even now. That is not to say I don’t have joy…at times. And gratitude. I definitely have known love, from friends and my children. For that I am deeply grateful. I just wish that love could ALWAYS snatch me out of the dark ocean of despair. Perhaps it does, eventually. Just not in MY timing! I know this is the end of your day, so don’t feel it necessary to respond to this message. I mainly wanted you to know I am going to continue reading your spiritual work when I get home. If it is OK with you, I would like to keep you apprised of how it goes… "
I wrote her back:
I have wanted to write for some time, you must know if you check the blog, that I have been busy as a CNA this past week. The work continues another week, then I head to Hyderabad, another big city, to volunteer at a yoga camp and do other projects with street families/poor. Very fulfilling. Are you ready to end the chain of horrible/terrible days? Are you willing to see you are the author? These are two powerful questions, but when you can say YES to them both, you can choose or not to work with me via email and 100 percent, fully and forever heal yourself. You can enter the next chapter of your life, and experience a joy you have not known well for 50 years. Pray about your willingness to let go of your preconceptions, assumptions, stories and victimhood. See what you prize most...your joy or your need to be right (and therefore keep hurting, to prove you have been wronged.) Rest assured, I write this with no judgment. I have no idea what the extent of your abuse has been. I only know that total well being awaits you, when you give up the exhausting path you have been walking. I believe, in my heart of hearts, this is why you contacted me. This is the work I do. Guiding others in their healing. You are your healer, I will only ask the questions. Much love to you this March day, Bethany
She wrote me back:
She wrote me back:
"Dear Friend,I think about your last e-mail message every day. I got stuck on something in your message, and, being a stubborn old lady, cannot seem to let it go. That was your reference to God. I don’t believe there is a God/god. Actually, I really don’t know if I don’t believe, or if a streak of left-over anger is keeping me from considering such a thing! The worst hurts in my life have been brought about by Christians, including my family, and trying to make myself accept/believe in a deity is a mountain I am not yet willing to climb. That is why I had not yet responded to your message/offer about working with me. I will write more to you when I go home tonight. I have been reading both your blogs, and have completely changed how I am eating…will write more about this tonight. Oh, and I found out last week that I am NOT being hired in this temp. position. I have been temping here since last August, and they were going to hire me in November. Through a glitch at HR, the wrong job posting went out, and they did not post it again until last month. In this economy, people with Masters are working at Burger King, so I have been grateful just to have a job, no matter how temporary. However, I did believe I was going to be a permanent employee at some point, and now that is not going to happen. Still coming to some kind of peace with another job change or possible unemployment. So you folks in India have the ability to use “Skype?” It is a free video ‘telephone’ service. I do not have a camera on my computer, but my friends upstairs do. If you had skype, we could actually have a face-to-face conversation. If you are interested, it can be found at http://www.skype.com/. I look forward to getting home tonight so I can write, a little more in-depth, about your offer to work with me."
I wrote her back:
So glad to get your message! Can you translate God to mean UNIVERSE? That powerful consciousness or love that is in all living things? Maybe Mother Nature is your term? Whatever creates the beauty and balance in the day?I apologize for using a charged word with you; I have many friends who have taught me better, forgive me! The terminology can be a real speed bump...I can speak your language, have no fear. I AM SO HAPPY YOU TOLD ME THE TRUTH!! That is awesome. So, whatever helps the seasons change, makes 14 year old boys get whiskers and makes mango season be around the corner....that is the energy I like to feel in my veins. The life force. No personal God, just the prana, the life. Will wait to hear from you. I'm excited about you changing your eating. Change your eating, change your life! Love, B
She wrote me back:
"Bethany, I laughed as I read your response. I am such a Unitarian Universalist!!! Although I have made great strides in being accepting and tolerant of other’s views, this god thing still stumps me. But as I read all the difference things you suggested (in terms of translating the god word), I just laughed. It kind of put my resistance into perspective. Prana…that is an exciting word for me. I did not realize it meant ‘life.’ It opens up a whole new area of thought for me. Will write to you later."
I wrote her back:
Prana is that life force, the breath that fuels us, and the energy behind it. I am glad you laughed. All of life is a comedy, honestly. We keep making it a drama, but it is a comedy. Maybe we should have this conversation on the blog, and share it with the world....it is so powerful...and you can remain anonymous. Go to my blog, I am going to write a note to invite you to speak there...Love, B
She wrote back:
She wrote back:
"OK. I will respond to your invite!" CLICK ON THE COMMENTS BELOW TO CONTINUE READING THE CONVERSATION! PLEASE ADD YOUR OWN COMMENTS.
Coming from a rigid, non-forgiving religious home, I still find that some of my choices and decisions come from the little rebel inside, much as they did in my teen years. Whether it is a belief in a deity, heaven and hell, or their protesting outside Planned Parenthood, I often go to the extreme opposite, or what I think is the opposite, of what they believe. I am proud to be called a bleeding heart liberal, even though I think most liberals are too conservative. I fall left of the left-wingers, politically thinking. I digress...back to religious matters.
ReplyDeleteThere was a time when I cringed at hearing the G word, and please, don't ever use the J word. 'God' and 'Jesus' were reminders of my family, and I could/would not believe in God and still fall left of the left-wingers...can I? Being in a religious environment that encourages thinking for one's self has helped me not cringe so much. I can even sing songs in church that contain the G word. The J word is still on my 'things that make me go AAUUGG.' Another digression...
The one thing I can't seem to shake, that my unconscious still secretly holds, is what I call 'The Salvation Effect.' OK, so it is not a secret because I know it is there, and because I am blogging about it. So it really isn’t my unconscious that holds on to it. Anyhow, 'The Salvation Effect' is the result, one might say it is the footprint, of a long-held belief that one can be saved. Being saved isn’t always so bad…being saved by a pedestrian yelling at you that you are headed into the burger stand because you are on a cell phone, being saved from drinking sour milk by watching your child take a gulp and spit it out all over the freshly poured bowls of cereal at the breakfast table, these are good times to be saved. The salvation I seem to seek is the one thing that will change me forever, make me a better person, thinner, smarter, open to others rather than defensive, sweet rather than bitter, and more. I thought I found my salvation in a Tony Robbins weekend event in Chicago. I was freed from my strongest-held certainty that, because I was unloved by my mother, my family, I could find love nowhere. I believed I was unlovable and damaged goods forever and unto the ends of the earth. A little dramatic, but salvation is a dramatic event.
Salvation, via Tony Robbins, occurred in August, 2001. We all know what happened in September of that same year, and the tragedy of 9/11 laid me low for quite a while. The, I found salvation again. How lucky can a girl be? This time, it was Landmark Education that provided a road out of my past. I walked away from a weekend of lectures knowing I was once again free, saved if you will. There is a piece of me that continues looking for salvation, even as a larger piece of me scoffs at such an idea. So when a friend writes to me that she can help guide me to rid myself of the ‘bad’ (my word, not hers), thoughts and feelings, that little piece jumps up and down with joy. The larger piece says that making a decision to live a certain way is nothing but brain power and words, that the real work comes in living out one’s beliefs, one’s convictions, that there is no salvation to be found. Anywhere. Anytime.
Yet, a little voice whispers…”What can it hurt?”
Dear Friend:
ReplyDeleteThanks for the honor and privilege of writing about life with you. I read your words, and think of you as a spokesperson for the Human Race. We all have our own unique story of pain and rejection, thinking life is unfair and we aren’t good enough. If we are reflective and have some self awareness, we pass through a stage where we feel very alone, separate and unloved. During this stage, it seems others are happier than we are, and that we have no way out.
I believe this sense of the Victim Self is driven by a Giant Misconception…..and that is the Myth that our happiness is something outside of ourselves, something that is dependent on others and essentially created or at least greatly influenced by our environment.
Sometime in the late 1980s, I had a dream where the word REACTION was floating
in a starry night. I watched the word and considered my own life experiences, where I had spent so much time and energy reacting against others. I had collected a lot of evidence about why life wasn’t fair. Two divorces had not been part of my plan. Suddenly, the letter C in the word REACTION floated to the front of the word…CREATION.
For me, living a life in CREATION means freedom! We no longer act a certain way, in reaction to what someone else said or did. A quote from my first book, For Goodness’ Sake, part of the June 7 entry:
“Human beings do lead most of their lives in reaction. We're hit, we hit back. We're hurt, we hurt back. Such predictable behavior rarely makes us feel really powerful. More often, we feel like victims, victims of each other, our bosses, the weather, whatever forces we feel controlled by.
To step out of this trap means to no longer live in reaction. The trick is to have a plan, a belief; a way of being that doesn't get rocked by every breeze and raindrop. That means that, no matter what cruel statement someone says to you or about you, you remain you.”
In your case, that means not making choices or taking positions mainly because they are the opposite of your family’s views. When you live in this manner, your parents are still running your life!
Creating out of your own interests, passions and gifts is far more fun and happy.
In that same dream, two more words floated across the night sky, “HEALTHY SELF.” Yes, I wanted a healthy self. I felt so damaged and depressed. I had put a lot of faith in people who disappointed me. I had looked to them for something they could not give, and I wallowed in the pain. As I considered my desire to be healthy, three letters slid across, spelling, “HEAL THYSELF.”
Oh? I am supposed to heal me? I am my own salvation? My own savior?
Yes, I have come to know this is the truth. And my healing comes in my seeing; I save myself from unhappiness and isolation in how I look at the world.
Another story. I went with a dear friend who was checking out a new consignment shop. He was keen on finding some cheap treasures, things he could buy for little and sell later for a lot. I came along, thinking there might be some neat old jewelry to paw through. We agreed to meet at the car at an appointed time.
Once in the store, we got lost in separate piles of stuff. I needed to go to the post office in the same plaza, so after I found a few goodies, I decided to check out early. At the cash register, the clerk was quite friendly. She asked me if I liked nuts, and as a vegetarian, I told her they were one of my favorites, and a good source of protein. “Oh, good” she smiled, “We are giving out these sample snack bags, to hear what customers think of the nut mixture. Will you try a few?”
“Absolutely!” I said, super glad to get some free treats.
She then said I didn’t look familiar, and asked if I had been to the store before. I said I was with a friend, shopping there for the first time.
“Well then, you get a 10 percent discount on your first purchase.”
I headed for the post office with a big smile.
Back to the car, my friend appeared with a look of disgust on his face.
“I had the stupidest cashier in there, an idiot. What a disaster!” He said he was disrespected, given improper change and even had gotten into a quarrel about the price of his purchase.
I listened and felt we should go back in the store and talk with the manager about this shoddy treatment. “We won’t just complain, I will also let the manager know my cashier was above average,” I said, mentioning my free food and discount.
Reentering the store, imagine my thoughts upon discovering there was but one cashier in the store, who had served both of us.
My friend has an extreme desire to buy a bargain. He wants big discounts, and often asks for even more of a price reduction by pointing out a flaw or blemish. He is also impatient with people who can’t quickly make change.
To be honest, I wasn’t surprised he had created the clerk to appear as, “an idiot.”
When we come from our history of misfortune, or more frankly, live in the past, we assure ourselves we will relive it every day. Your joke about trying to post and being rejected is a small example of that. You wrote, “Under the Post a Comment section, the page responded with ‘Your request could not be processed. Please try again.’ Oh boy, if that isn't reflective of my searching for meaning!” I know you were just kidding, but it is reflective of a common tone or expectation that I have read in other messages. In fact, this one is the one that prompted me to ask if you were ready to heal yourself:
“I almost sat down at my home computer to write to you last night. It was a terrible horrible day, just one more in a chain of too many terrible horrible days. I was emotionally exhausted, physically numb, and for some reason finding myself drawn to corresponding with you, much like I have been drawn to searching for you through the years. But, as usual, I ignored my inner promptings and fell asleep in front of the TV (after downing two sleeping pills).”
Wow! It sounds like discomfort is so comfortable. Like victimhood and drama defines the day.
Examine your response to my suggestion that we could work together on your healing..."What can it hurt?" Can you hear a mindset tuned to victimhood? When our inner tuning is healthy, the question would sound more like, "How can it help?" Can you hear the difference?
I believe, without a doubt, that everything which happens to me has a lesson in it for my higher good. That doesn’t mean Tinkerbelle follows me with fairy dust, or everyday is full of unexpected discounts. But it does mean that I have the power to interpret any event or moment to teach me, to serve me, to support me in a loving way.
I used to tell some pretty awful stories, regularly, about a fiancé I didn’t marry. In fact, I used to say about my cancelled wedding, “I escaped with my life.” Few women could top my dramas: about him missing all three counseling sessions with our clergy person, but having time to write a one inch thick prenuptial agreement. Or apologizing for this gaffe by inviting me to a fancy restaurant for dinner…and then standing me up. He didn’t only stand me up, he sent another man to dine with me, who upon my angry questioning, replied, “Don’t be mad at me, I owe him money, and he said I could work it off this way.”
Oh, yeah, I had juicy tales of abuse. But the real, untold story was that I wasn’t taking care of myself, I didn’t love myself. I didn’t protect myself, I didn’t know I was worthy of more.
Once I learned the real moral of those stories was that I could save myself by creating good conditions and learning my lessons, this kind of abuse ended, forever.
So, what do you think? I think I have written enough for now. Love, B
a wonderful conversation. i find it somewhat compelling the 'anger' that we often have towards what we call god or jesus.. if we are to really 'let it go' perhaps that is the place to start.
ReplyDeletei think we all have an intense spiritual component to ourselves. just like we need to go to a dentist or some medical person for healing of our bodies, we need to maintain that spiritual side of ourselves as well. perhaps the anger i felt was just my resistance to that spirituality. i had all these reasons to be mad at God rather than at myself for not following a path that was there all along. for me god is real. he is always there. it is i who have been missing. s/he doesnt care if i do that because it is me that feels better when i come home. good luck to you all in your search.
I think I need to digest this over the weekend.
ReplyDeleteMany years ago I consciously chose to not longer be a victim, nor just a survivor. I decided I would thrive, live, and flourish in whatever state of happiness or un- I found myself. I was trying to put together a puzzle so I would not what I was supposed to 'look like.' What I got was The Giant Misconception Puzzle – 5,000+ pieces! Living out the thriving part has been difficult. There is sometimes a disconnect between my head and my spirit. Or maybe it is more accurate to say it is a disconnect between what I know and choose to believe, and what the unconscious throws into my face! Melodramatic? Sure. True? Absolutely.
ReplyDeleteI thought, back then, that deciding to no longer be a victim of physical abuse was the missing puzzle piece. Now, I thought, I will be happy. Hah! (kidding, kind-of)
For the past few years the unconscious has become conscious, allowing me to take pieces, one at a time, and put them in place. The edges are always the easiest: Some pieces shaped me early years, some are about expressing gratitude to the universe for my adult-children and dear friends, and the corners are the four great milestones in my life: Birth, Marriage, Birthing, and Death. One corner is missing – hope I don’t find it for a loooong time. So I have a lot of the edge completed, and even some of the middle. I lost the box in which the puzzle arrived, so I am not sure what picture I will see when all pieces have found their correct places.
So I have been aware for a long time that some unnamed thing drives some of my decisions and certainly much of my monkey-brain. And I have gone about watching happy people and, if I am lucky, becoming friends with them. I have examined their lives, their actions. I try to mimic some of those actions, thinking I will magically become happy if I have enough happy friends. And if I sit with them in church, in the choir loft, if we are involved in each other’s lives in a deep and meaningful way, their happiness will, through osmosis, become mine! Hah! (kidding again?)
I have, Bethany, been aware of the truth of your words. I am responsible for my own happiness. I create my own life. I, and I alone. Thankfully, the people who now surround myself and my children are people who have helped me see love, goodness, hope. There was a time when I would wake up and think, “I must get through life the best I can, do as little damage as possible to planet earth, care for my children, and keep doing so until I die.” Now, I am pleased to say, I often awake with a joy that is fresh and exciting some days, and peaceful and familiar other days.
My friends remind me, in word and action, that I am my own salvation, that I must bring about my own healing. And some of the healing pieces of my self-designed puzzle have been put together, though they float in the middle. They aren’t yet connected to the edges. But they ARE there, none-the-less.
OK, so now the hard part. When I got near the end of what I wanted to write to you, I realized I was not being fully open about what I felt when reading your recent blog. I re-read my words above, and realized there is defensiveness in my words.
I want to be open, rather than closed, to words of healing, words of wisdom.
But I must also be authentic, with myself as well as with you. Otherwise, these are all words and will manifest nothing other than a few more air waves of gobbledy-gook.
In those two years in high school, in Journalism classes and after-class newspaper activities, I watched you with awe. I had never seen a woman, teenager or otherwise, like you. You spoke your mind, but were not hurtful. You exhibited compassion, but did not ignore injustices. When we connected, last month, after so many years, I wanted to tell you a little bit about my life.
Being part of my history, knowing what little you knew about my upbringing, I wanted to fill in the picture of the post-1970 years. The past year has been especially difficult, and I have allowed myself to sink into a bit of a funk! I could write to you about all the good I have know, all the love I have been privileged to know. And maybe admitting to the negative, seemingly endless self-defeating thoughts…well, maybe I should keep such thoughts to myself. It has not been my intent to garnish pity, sympathy, or to engender negative feeling towards my family.
In my ‘real’ life, I do not go around talking about my past. Many of my friends have no idea who I was, how I lived. I am very careful about what I say and to whom I say it. I would hope I do not exhibit an attitude of victimization and drama. I try, the best I can, to follow the Buddhist concept of right speech right thinking, and so on. Maybe the words I have been writing in this blog are evidence of how far I have to go, how much work I still need to do to ‘save myself by creating good conditions and learning my lessons.’
I am aware that even the words I have written to defend my defensiveness sound defensive! Please forgive me…
Rather than a GMP, I wish to create a beautiful rendering of all for which I am grateful. I wish to design, not a puzzle, but a swirling blending picture of health, happiness, good deeds, and love. That is my desire. Yes, I get caught in the past, I hear my father’s voice in my head. And then I remind myself to be here, now. I meditate on mindfulness and do my best to move a little farther ahead, away from past actions and past words. I do so rather clumsily. And, yes, I forget to take care of myself, to protect myself. I am in the newborn stage of learning, of growing. I have so much to learn and so far to go, and yet, I need to live in the present, be mindful of what is in front of me here, today, now.
It’s clear to me that my clumsy attempts to tell you about my life seem to say otherwise, but I DO know joy. I do know love. I do know peace. Not always, but often enough too know what they feel like. Do I get caught in the past? Absolutely. Do I look at myself as not being good enough, or simply not being ‘enough?’ Yes, I admit to that and more. I am flawed.
In my last posting to your blog, in an effort to ‘lighten up,’ I became flip and asked, “What can it hurt,” when what I really wanted to say was, “Please, Bethany, help me continue my healing.”
Again, forgive my defensiveness. I wish to live fully in a spirit of openness…this whole conversation is one more lesson for the learning.
Dearest Friend:
ReplyDeleteYou need not apologize to me for anything! Curiously, I don't see defensiveness. It feels more like defeatedness.
I remember a few years ago I went to a giant motivational/revival/concert like event with a group of women friends. It was in a stadium in Tampa, 1000s of people there, mostly women. As the bands were singing and speakers firing us all up, my friend looked at me and said, "Come on, Bethany, be happy! Feel the joy!" I felt nothing. I felt separate and rather dead.
As I reflect on that time, I see how much I was still tuning myself to the outside environment, in terms of determining my Mood for the Day. I didn't see it, but I was. I was still easily hurt by "perceived slights" of others, irritated by ignorance, generally sad.
Yesterday, I was laughing with one of my hosts because of the number of conveniences that were not working in my room here. 1-the air conditioner is dripping water, a steady plop plop into a bucket throughout the night and day. (Repairman is supposed to come...) 2-when the repairman came to check things out, he broke the TV connection (I had not watched it, but was dreaming of seeing American Idol..I'm an Adam Lambert Zealot!) 3-internet connection failed so much, I had to wait to write today 4-phone connection also failed.
Yet, I gotta tell you, I didn't get upset! I was so excited by this, I told my friends I was actually grateful for the multiple breakdowns, as it showed me how I have come to live outside of all of that.
I don't say this as a braggart...far from it. I write this as a sufferer who has been healed. I am so relieved to no longer have my sense of self or the day driven by what happens outside of me. Did I tell you that during a meditation last month, I had a clear message, "No more highs and lows." I loved it. I took it to mean that I was the author of those ups and downs, and I was tired of the swings.
So, this week,I was flashing back to that big concert where my friend wanted me to jump up and down with her, and I saw again, how much more acquainted I have become with myself. I have come to love and appreciate me. When I read about how you regarded me in high school, I must say it kinda stunned me. I think I have always had a far easier time advocating for and loving others than myself. Only after 50 did I seem to notice ME. Thank you for your kind words.
I am a great believer in the Universe knowing better than I do what is for my highest good. I have this same sense about your temporary job not becoming permanent. Clearly, something more fun and fulfilling and suited to you awaits. What would you like to do? What are your dreams in the work department? Any desire for overseas service?
Love yourself today. Be good to you. Everyone in your life will benefit!
Whew! What a relief to not be judged for my feelings.
ReplyDeleteI do sometime have a defeatist attitude. I also make myself do things so as to not sit in that attitude, but I suspect that I am not always aware of being in that place (feeling defeated/deflated by life).
While I cannot bring myself to believe in the Universe knowing what is best for me, I do believe it is my responsibility to make the best I can out of any/every situation. I have been through worse than a job loss, so I can weather just about anything.
I lived in Haiti for a year, back in 1978-1979. It opened my eyes to a world that few in the States ever get to experience. In fact, Nathan was born there! I visited Great Britain in 2005 and 2006, and have, in recent months, considered working with the Developmentally Disabled population of Ireland or Scotland, as I have experience in that field.
Regarding dreams in the work department, I have to say I no longer have passion for those things in which I am skilled, like computer hardware/software support, Desktop Publishing, any other office work. I love computers and teaching people...but not as a full-time job for a paycheck. I enjoy Desktop Publishing, and have created a number of brochures and other publications for local organizations. But 40 hours a week for a paycheck? No thanks.
My main passion is music, but I am not a trained musician. I don't play piano, and play guitar poorly, so music is not a viable way to pay rent. Years ago I decided that since I could not get a full-time job in the music field, I could at least use my job as an avenue to enjoy my music.
I am not concerned with money other than needing to make enough to pay rent and phone bills. During my last period of unemployment, I went through all my 401K funds. I own a 13-year old Pathfinder. That's it. My riches lie in my children, my friends, my church.
It's funny you ask about ovearseas service, because I have been looking at airline prices to India! Now that my job is ending, it is not feasible for me to go to India anytime soon. Maybe someday...
I am looking at this job ending as being my opportunity to open myself to all kinds of possibilities. I agree that something more fulfilling awaits my time and attention. It's actually an exciting idea.
My biggest life lesson continues to be in the area of allowing others/circumstances to drive me, define me. I'm better some days than others. Losing a job is a tough thing, and I am not sure I handle it any better now than I did 20 years ago. I have a vision of being a bag lady, living under one of the viaducts downtown. I can rough it, but I do like the comfort of warmth in the wintertime! Once I move away from that vision, I function a little better. Maybe that is another piece of the defeatist attitude you referred to.
Well, it is a new week, a new day, and I look forward to whatever the future brings.
So good to be able to have this kind of conversation with you, Bethany. I love reading about your life there in India. When you write about your experiences, I better understand the point you are making. I also know you better, and in learning about you, I learn about myself. Bless you,
barb
Dear Friend:
ReplyDeleteI will never judge you.
Your experiences inside and outside the US sound grand, I am happy you have that sense (of sight, feeling, even smell) of Haiti to expand your view of yourself and the world. While Americans are educated and CNN takes us all over the globe, nothing teaches us more than living in another culture. I love to regularly shake myself up this way; India is all about the unknown for me.
When I read your message, this sentence jumped out, which is another one of those, “I’m being funny at my own expense” throw away lines: “I have a vision of being a bag lady, living under one of the viaducts downtown. I can rough it, but I do like the comfort of warmth in the wintertime!”
Oh, how I want to persuade you that such negative self talk is not only self defeating and mean, but that our visions become our realities! Surely, you don’t want to be a bag lady, but in the very energy that the vision receives, you make it more real, you give it life.
Can you see this link at all?
When we have an unacknowledged negative belief system driving us, no amount of positive thinking done by the conscious mind is enough!
A few years ago I became really fascinated by the word MANIFEST. What did it mean? I had never really used it.
Over time and study and reflection, I came to see that everything that we create or manifest was once just a thought. Someone wanted to find a way to deliver documents as fast as a phone message, and the facsimile/fax machine was born. An orange juice bottler wanted to ship the product in containers that didn’t require refrigeration and the tetrapak was born. Storekeepers wanted to end the loss of profit due to cashiers messing up on giving change, so the cash register that calculates correct change was born. By was born, I mean, the idea was manifested as a reality.
See where I am going with this?
We start with an idea. So, in your case, it seems like there is this very low lying secret you carry deep within, this idea that sounds something like this, “You aren’t gonna make it. You are gonna lose. Things don’t work out.”
Does that feel possible? When you sit with it? Is that the hidden program running on your computer; the thought that influences all others?
Once we discover the hidden programs, we can uninstall and replace with a transformational, healthy intention. You can have some fun with this shift, if you choose.
I am also wondering about your health. If you are carrying around more weight than you need, your entire system, particularly how you think, will be altered to your detriment.
We are designed from birth to weigh a certain desired amount for our bone size and height. Asking the system to carry more (or less) creates an unhealthy situation, leads to stress and fatigue, which in turn skew and muddy our thinking.
Do you have a fitness practice? Do you have a good relationship with food, or is it in some way disordered?
Lastly, I would enjoy brainstorming with you about wanting to work with the developmentally disabled. Two of my favorite models for supporting this special population are L’Arche and Camphill. I often dream of my final years being spent as a member of one of those communities. I have been a guardian for more than 25 years to people who carry this label.
Love to you, stay in touch, B